Today since looking through some of my old photos of what was meant to be the best time of my life on tour I cant help but get a little choked because I knew behind that smile was sadness.
I went on tour three years ago now across the USA in my very own pink tour bus whilst stopping off at some of the Sephora stores to launch my own make up line and meeting people who watched my videos.
I remember being so excited to meet everyone that came but scared in case they didn't like what they saw because I sure didn't like what I saw when I looked in the mirror. As I walked through each Sephora store door I remember hearing the cheers and whilst being swept up in the moment I couldn't shake the fact that I felt disgusting inside.
Ive been quite big since just after my teenage years, it pretty much piled on after having Jordan and I never did anything about removing that extra baby weight, then one thing led to another and before I knew it I was what I felt huge.
The one thing that kept me going through my "magical experience" was the fact that you all had accepted me as I was back then and now. You didn't judge me, you liked me and some even came to meet me at the different events.
I want to thank you for that, you all made me feel special and I always wanted to make you feel special back.
Anyway I did some digging for old photos and found some from my tour days. Whilst looking through them I got quite choked and can't really explain why?? maybe its because I realised none of you ever held my weight against me, But I did.
I am away to London tomorrow for quite a big meeting which I am looking forward to yet nervous about. They won't have seen me in the flesh at my biggest, I am kind of glad as I always felt it changed peoples opinion especially in the make up industry.....but again was that all in my paranoid head?
Here are my so far before and after pics. First at 12 stone 6lbs and after at 10 stone 6lbs
Now no laughing at my muppet face here, erghh but its the only picture I have of now....so far anyway :)
So its strange that it takes a photo to make you realise how far you have come with any weight loss journey. I don't think my stupid brain has caught up because I still feel like that bigger girl who feels insecure and should be wearing her baggy tops to hide all the fat.
It will one day though and I am waiting for it to hit my like a ton of bricks so I can enjoy more about the new me. I don't ever want to go back.
Thanks for reading and if you are following a diet or a new way of life, Good on you, its hard and you have all my well wishes :)